my mouth tastes like poor choices
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
