i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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