They should really pass out barf bags in church
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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