i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I want a musical about memes.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
