Don't you send me to vm
her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
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