so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
