just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
