I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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