Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
