I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
If I die, sorry about rent.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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