I faked an abortion last night.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
did i walk over a car last night?
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
