can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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