You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Randomize
