Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
