Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
