Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
