I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
