You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
