I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
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