The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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