In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
