I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I think I am morally bankrupt
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
