I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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