Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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