Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize