I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
