If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
