this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Randomize
