I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
