i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
