The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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