i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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