I just saw a hot homeless man
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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