my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
