I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Randomize
