Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
