yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Randomize
