I wish life had little blips of pornography
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
