in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
