Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
