I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
My vagina is officially offended.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
