pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
