just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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