Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
