Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
