hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Randomize
