i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
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