So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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