I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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