I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Randomize
