I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
