Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
