god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
