Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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