i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
