I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
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