Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
