hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
